Saturday, June 6th. 4:00pm pre-show – 5:00pm pageant. Duke Park Meadow, Durham.
- Ms. Genie Tail-yah
Many years ago, in a dark, wet, and sparkly cave, a young beaver tripped on a pink bottle thus freeing the beautiful Genie Tail-yah! Bursting forth from the narrow opening of her bottle, Genie Tail-yah fills the cave with pink smoke and whoops of delight. “Who has freed me from my studio apartment?!” Tail-yah inquires as she stretches her arms to the sky. A small voice, belonging to Miss Muffley Merkin, timidly responds “It was me, I’m terribly sorry…” Tail-yah lunges at Muffley, wrapping her arms around Muffley she exclaims “My beautiful friend, I could kiss your furry face! I’m so happy that you rubbed my bottle! For, I am Genie Tail-yah! By the holy spirit of beavers, I am here to grant you one wish!” Muffley’s eyes widen with astonishment then dimmed with embarrassment. “Can you make my tail smaller?” Muffley asked. Tail-yah, perplexed, cocked her head towards Muffley’s backend. “What? You have a lovely tail! Why ever would you want to change it?” Tail-yah questions. “Sometimes beavers pick on me and call me names.” Muffley sobs. “Then they are the ones to be ashamed, for you and your tail and all tails are absolutely radiant!” Tail-yah exclaims. “I wish everyone felt that way…” sighs Muffley. “Then so shall it be!” Tail-yah asserted “Mecca lecca hi, mecca hiney ho! Bully beavers be no more! All tails, of every shape and size, will be beautiful to every beaver’s eyes! TAIL YEAH!” Genie Tail-yah announces triumphantly and with a nod of her head, the spell is cast. The world is instantly more accepting of all beaver bodies and generally a better and happier place. Muffley Merkin and Genie Tail-yah dance the night away to “Genie in a Bottle” and “Beaver Got Back” and remain best friends.
- Clean Beaver
Clean Beaver is brought to you by Laundrymen. In fact, C.B. has been helping beavers stay clean for over 10 years! C.B. was also Ethel Furman in the 2013 pageant, so he knows a thing or two about being a successful beaver. For one, never be afraid to show off your creative and flamboyant beaver. Proud beavers aren’t afraid to show off or show out! C.B. is a native of Durham and lover of all things Durham-related. Local beaver is always the best. You will often see him driving around town in his pink Lincoln Continental or zipping by on his scooter. He can easily be bribed – food, craft beer, and spontaneous neck massages are always welcome. And flattery will go a long way. Complimenting him on his facial hair, sexy calves, or sick karate moves will surely push him in your favor.C.B. is excited to be part of the 2015 pageant and is curious to see what interesting beavers will debut this year. And keep in mind that a clean beaver always gets more love!
HULK BEAVER, The Recyclinator!
Yes, HULK is a Recycling master to be reckoned with.HULK has been known to repurpose just about anything he can get his hands on. Granite curb benches anyone? Yes, his beaver engineering skills are impressive.You’ll recognize his lodge because it’s surrounded by rain barrels and berms. He’s very stingy about letting go of his rain water. Nothing makes him madder than finding bags and bags of trash others have carelessly thrown aside, only to wash into Ellerbe Creek during the next rain storms. His mighty muscles have even carried a motor scooter up the banks of the creek.If that weren’t bizarre enough for our brawny beaver, he has a delicate side. HULK has been known to ‘gift wrap’ his garbage when on vacation and bring it home to the lodge’s waiting and hungry compost pile.HULK! The brawny beaver of the recycling world. Ya gotta love him!
- Rock Woodsman, Interesting Man
Do you hear that sound?
Yes: It’s glamour.
Meet Rock Woodsman, Interesting Man, brought to you by Mystery Brewing Many have called Rock Woodsman a man of mystery, but from his humble beginnings it’s been clear that there’s nothing mysterious about this world-renowned international playboy. Even as a boy in the remote forests of the Canadian wilderness he realized that he was, as they say, a big beaver in a small pond. Before reaching even the tender age of 2 he had already burst the dam of his meager beginnings and unleashed his fantasticality upon the world. Early roles as Spuds McKenzie and Mike Ditka earned him his fortune and soon he began traveling the world doing…. interesting things.As a rollerblade aficionado and inline wheel alignment expert, Rock Woodsman singlehandedly created and crashed the rollerblade industry. Rock Woodsman once filmed America’s funniest home video, but Bob Saget did not allow it to air to maintain safety standards. Rock Woodsman has his own Care Bear Stare. Rock Woodsman once asked Regis Philben, “Who wants to be a millionaire?” When Philben offered a name that person became a millionaire that very hour. For 10 years, Rock Woodsman wore a different Swatch every single day. Rock Woodsman has caught every Pokemon. The character of Al Calavicci on Quantum Leap was based on Rock Woodsman. Rock Woodsman knows where the beef is. Rock Woodsman has enjoyed cocktails atop the world’s tallest building, and saké in the red-light districts of Tokyo. He has entertained diplomats and dignitaries. He has clinked a glass with paupers and presidents.Recently, Rock Woodsman’s image has been procured as a marketing tool for the North Carolina craft beer industry. Now, Rock Woodsman can be found drinking interesting things locally, often for charity, where others can bask in his splendiferous mystique. He normally keeps his tail slapping just up the creek from the Ellerbe, but enjoys every dirty minute he spends in Durham.
Queen of the Dammed
In a pond far away; perhaps even another time and/or dimension, there was another pageant. A pageant that crowns a queen; a queen of the dammed. Yes. We are happy to have the Queen of the Dammed judging for the 2015 Beaver Queen Pageant. This queen faced many challengers in different categories. She won because of her ingenious engineering and sophisticated damn designs. She built the biggest pond in all the land. Her prowess in placing rocks, sticks and mud surpassed all the other contestants. Her skills in gnawing down trees were a marvel to all who watched. With her stylish cape and awesome tail, she rules her pond with a firm, yet sensitive hand. Her prowess in building and patching her lodge are lessons for all the princesses at this year’s Beaver Queen Pageant. And her teeth, well, her teeth were, shall we say, “fang-like”; a captivating quality leading to her long reign as Queen of the Dammed.
Brought to you by Kristie Nystedt (Raleigh Brewing). Marilyn is a bright and shiny star of the beaver kingdom. Gnawing her way to star dome by singing and wagging her sexy beaver tail to the beaver dam president and all of his wood working pals. Marilyn has dated many a handsome beaver in her short life although currently she has a crush on Rock Woodsmen. It is thought that she may only like him for his beer knowledge and sharp teeth.
It is known throughout the village that aside from drinking more than her fair share of the lake she also has an affinity for a crafty ale. Often she would fall off the wagon drinking her way through cartons and cartons of Hell Yes Ma’am. Her lips are even seen on the logo . On these occasions she can be seen riding the Hidden Pipe through the rapids as she became extremely brave after binging. Rock would come to her rescue often and work his mystery on her. Of course shortly after Rock would move on to his next beautiful tail.
Byves Saint Laurent
(brought to you by Seaplane Shirts)
Like the hot Sharqi winds blowing on her palms of Marrakech, Byves Saint Laurent pilots her Seaplane to the Parc de Duke, looking flawless, clipped, and tucked.
[Hand motions when read at pageant — flawless, wrist twirl in air; clipped, hand moves down cheek, tucked, take wrists from straight up to bent near crotch.]
Her Trapeze Dam, created at age 21, saved the lodge of Christian Dièvre. Her Pantsuit brought power dressing to all the young, eager beavers of New AmsterDAM. Indeed, Byves Saint Laurent’s Smoking is applauded in every public venue — even in Durham. Today, thanks to SeaplaneShirts.com, she’s pleasing beavers North American and Eurasian alike.
When you receive this riparian rodent, fresh off her amphibious aircraft, remember to receive your French tickle from her furry cheeks!
Proper form is left. right. left. (turns to judge next to him and demonstrates). Oh ma chérie bièvre! Félicitations!
The story of Castorella and Furina Beaver
Furina was raised in the hills of Tennessee. Unlike the other beavers in her neighborhood, she was not happy “gnawing wood,” so she found her way to Ellerbee Creek where she could spend her days in bliss frolicking in the meadow and splashing in the creek. Although she was happy, she longed to have another beaver to share her little beaver lodge.
Castorella grew up in New England. Tired of her pond icing over every winter, she came south looking for a place where the meadows were green and the creeks were getting cleaned up. When she discovered Ellerbee Creek, she knew she had found her forever home. One day in the woods, they were each gnawing on opposite ends of the same log; when they met in the middle, it was love at first bite.
Dr. ” Beaver Buck” Teeth
Let me see now (heavy chewing sounds), I grew up a kit on the soggier side of the Ellerbe. Old Pappy Longtail moved to these parts and settled in the “sticks” as they called it back then. And of course, the old lodge was made of sticks. Growin up in the sticks was tougher than the trunk of a quaking aspen, but we had our fun. Early on, my Mama noticed my particularly protuberant pearlys and she said “Kit, you look like you have piano keys poking out of your lips!” I was mighty proud and brushed them religiously. Most beavers around brushed with beech tree branches. We didn’t have any full sized beech trees in our wood, so I used the smaller beech tree, namely the son-of-a-beech tree for my own incisors.
From then on I knew what I was born to do. Earliest sounds I can recall were those of ole Chewy Piano Smith and Pappy Longtail tickling those ivories down there on Broad Tail Street back when the Ellerbe was just a drip and the mighty Eno could only get your whiskers wet. Those beavs could really slap a tail. Some of the rent parties held in the dirty muskrat quarters were so unhinged they nearly felled nearby alders.
But playing the piano out on the pond where all the beaver kits can gather ‘round and folks are all slapping their tails is my real passion. Let the BEAVER BOOGIE begin!
Who am I? When you think of the tragically glamorous Madame Beavery, you may know that she is a keystone species, you may have heard she plays a crucial role in biodiversity. But that’s just one side of her twisted, magnificent troubled soul. In truth, she aspires to beauty, truth, elation, passion, transcendence….at any cost! She will lullaby you into glorious surrender with the beauty of her beavery belting and brazen bossiness. She will dash you into the beaver damns of your own mind, demanding the depths of your soul to be sacrified on the altar of beavery environmental consciousness. A Vote for Madame Beavery is a vote for Truth, Beauty, Progress and Transcendence! Hooray for Madame Beavery!
Mz. Polly Nator
The queen bee is dying and the Beaver Lodge hive needs to make the royal jelly necessary to create a new queen.
Mz Polly Nator is a worker bee on a journey to find pesticide-free pollen and nectar for this task. She hopes to be queen and only high-quality, organic nectar will produce the best royal jelly and give her the strength to lead the hive.
The Duke Park Meadow is well-known by all of Polly’s pollinating friends as a place of great biodiversity where native flowers grow in abundance. She’s heading there on June 6. Come help Polly become the new Queen and save her hive!
Introducing Satine Bieber, your 2015 Beaver Queen Pageant contestant.
Satine is an accomplished hooker who knows how to keep the lodge warm at night…by crocheting blankets and slippers for those cold Durham nights.
Satine’s favorite movie is Bride and Prejudice and she loves to dance along to the Bollywood style song and dance numbers.
Satine believes all you need is love, peace, give it a chance…
and Beavers? They’re a girls best friend!
It’s a bird, it’s a plane , it’s a beaver!!!