Archive for May, 2009

Meet the Judges – 2Beaver Knotubeve

Sunday, May 31st, 2009

One of the oldest BQP traditions is the celebrity judge. Now, mind you, celebrity means something quite different in Durham than it does on the pages of, say, Variety Magazine. Durham celebrities are celebrated for their achievements, accomplishments, and how much they add to our community, not for their PR machines. So let’s start getting to know our celebrity judges.

2 Beaver Knotubeve kicks it off. Here’s what he has to say about himself.

2 Beave (as he is known to his lodge posse) was born in Buffalo, New York back in the before-time when the beaver nation could speak. He learned the language of the Upright People and got his first job in commercial radio at the age of 19 (430 in beaver years).

He moved to Iowa, a place known to the beaver people as the land where nothing happens. And it didn’t. He spent four years there working in both commercial and Public Radio. His time in Des Moines taught him a valuable lesson. Never live in a city that starts with “duh.”

He moved with his wife and 18-month old daughter to Washington D.C. to work for NPR. Public Radio was under court order to improve its beaver hiring record. Beaver discrimination was rampant at the time and well-spoken beavers like 2 Beave had to fight negative stereotypes such as “beavers can’t talk” and “they make good reporters but they eat the furniture.”

He now lodges in Durham with his wife. He hosts a radio show called the State of Things on North Carolina Public Radio, WUNC. He loves talking to the Upright People who live here and says furniture is really tasty.

And yes, he is also a Shakesbeavian scholar. Here’s his favorite soliloquy.

To beave er not to beave—that is the question
Whether tis nobler in the mind to build with sticks and mud or to
Murder the varmints with dynamite that they may build no more
To build—perchance to gnaw—aye there’s the rub—

For in that dam doth lie an undiscovered country, from whose bourn
No traveller returns.
Unless he wears a snorkle which would make him conspicuous among the beavers—
And he would run from their lodge as the beavers pelted him with the spiney parts of long dead fish.
Thus cod fins doth make cowards of us all . . .

Damn those who would oppose our eager woodland friends because their lodges are here and there. Unruly, . . . unexpected . . . checkered threats to urban sprawl—they who cry—out out spot dam.

How easily I change from Hamlet to Macbeth—
Easier still to say—give me beave er give me death.

Meet the Band – Magical Mystery Beaver

Saturday, May 30th, 2009

Entertainment between segments of the pageant is always of the highest caliber, and this year is no exception. The Magical Mystery Beaver Band has been working on new material all year. Check it out.

Magical Mystery Beaver is proud to be the house band for the Beaver Queen Pageant. These beavers got their start playing at night in the beaver pond on Avondale, the crickets and frogs their captive audience. One bright morning they crawled out of the pond, shed their sticks and went electric. The results have been fantastic, and the band has been doing a lot of woodshedding in preparation for the BQP.

Led by “the little dictator” Fidel Castoridae (vocals, trumpet, guitar), MMB’s lineup features songs sung by rising stars Pearl Blade (who also plays congas and mandolin) and Dental Dam (who also plays tambourine and happens to be the band’s dentist.) Aunt Betty Beaver shreds on rhythm guitar and is backed by the tightest rhythm section this side of the Cape Fear River Basin–Nolan Cleaver (drums, sticks) and Bucktooth Benson (bass.)

They look forward to rocking you with hits like “Black Magic Beaver;” “I can’t get no Beaver Action;” “Psycho Beaver;” and “Beaver Queen.”

And here’s some action shots for your enjoyment.

Meet the Emcees – Anita Whacker and John Parton

Saturday, May 30th, 2009

The Beaver Queen Pageant has been blessed with many talented friends who give freely of their time and talents to make the pageant happen. Our emcees, Anita Whacker and John Parton, exemplify this spirit.

This year we’re both happy and saddened to say farewell to John Parton, who needs no nom de castor, who will be swimming upstream to the Northeast before the year’s end. Thanks for all you’ve given.

Anita Whacker, of the Buford Dam Whackers, hails from the deep south wetlands. As a long-time debubeaver, Ms. Whacker has developed a sassy style all her own. At the age of four, she won the Little Miss Kit pageant and continued throughout her teens to rack up, er, collect numerous titles and crowns including Miss Dammit 1987 and the internationally renowned Miz WhataBeav. Her prestigious run culminated in the title of Ms. Beaver Universe, although she was stripped of the crown due to the leakage of some full frontal beaver shots taken when Ms. Whacker was much younger and much more naive, plus a little drunk.

She soldiers on, however, in the nature of beavers everywhere, having taken on causes such as Peace, Love, Beavering and the now popular Green Construction. In fact, she is now building an entirely green dam in an adjacent neighborhood. Anita believes everyone should live green and in harmony with nature.

And, of course, Mr. John Parton, about whom we must say, that the rumor he was offered the prestigious Beaver Queen Pageant hosting position in the first place was due to him being the only person we know who owns his own tuxedo, can neither be confirmed nor denied.

John Parton has tried and failed to keep a straight face for the past three years as co-emcee of the Beaver Queen Pageant. John’s natural affinity for beavers and their wetlands drew him to participate in this important event. John is proud to live in a community that not only stands up to large state bureaucracies, not only prevails in these struggles, but then throws an annual celebration of these victories that continues to benefit the community. John keeps his coat gleaming and tail flapping by listening to people who need assistance and pointing them in the right direction. John is grateful for the opportunity to be amplified while speaking frankly and soberly to large crowds about really ridiculous stuff.

Meet the Contestants – The Beave Whisperer

Friday, May 29th, 2009

Last up in one of our most diverse fields of contestants in the pageant’s history, is the mysterious Beave Whisperer, who possesses a most interesting attribute.

Beave Whisperer is a world-renowned beaver behavior specialist, known for his uncanny ability to wrangle large lodges of beavers. Not only that but, from European Hairless Beavers to the now extinct Giant North American Beaver, these now well-behaved beavers have each been rehabilitated, rescued from a wide range of extreme behavior issues – anything from protesting gay marriage to severe ‘red voting’ aggression!

You gotta appreciate someone who has a way with so many different kinds of beaver.