A Letter from an L.A. Beaver

On the day of the pageant, I received this letter from a beaver buddy in L.A., who seeks to spread the joy of beaverdom to the lands south of Oxnard, where beavers must travel all the way to Duh Moines to get married:

My Beloved Fellow Beavers,

It is with great sadness that I cannot attend what would have been my first Beaver Pageant. My sadness is mitigated, however, with joyful news.

The musk that sustains us has been emitted, sprayed — nay, lathered, upon many aspirants on the West Coast. Your voice has been heard, and borne (sometimes without warning) 2,500 miles away. I celebrate joining them with you, if only by proxy. There are a lot of hot beavers in LA.

While I pine to approach you in person, I can report that I have personally taught the Beaver Way to several young beavers in West Hollywood who now understand our cause, even if they denied it at the time. They are now an addition to our community, spreading Beaverness, among other things, throughout Southern California. They are actively preaching our Good Word on elementary school campuses, houses of ill repute, The Senate, locker rooms and airport bathrooms throughout southern California.

BE PROUD BEAVERS!

At this time of two unfortunate wars, I am prideful that we have several followers who serve valiantly in our Beaver Armed Forces, specifically to some Very Hawt Beavers at Camp Pendleton who can BE a beaver, but who cannot TELL their righteous, personal beaver stories. But they did to this Beaver.

Text me.

The good news, my friends, is that they have my cell phone number and we regularly discuss the Dao of the Beaver.

Your diligence is spreading my Beaver friends. For that you should rightfully rejoice!

We are broadcasting our message across this great land much like a forceful pheromone finds its way through a beaver lodge or the scent of poppers through the ducts of a gay bathhouse. We ARE EVERYWHERE, MY FRIENDS!

We have stretched, like a vast beaver colony – spanning thousands of miles; crossing rivers, ponds and backyard pools abandoned by foreclosed homeowners. Together we shall beat our tails as one as a resounding drum hammer of antagonism to our oppression! In multiple time zones we will shout “BEAVER PRIDE!”

[APPLAUSE HERE]

WE ARE BEAVERS, WE’RE HERE, GET OVER – OUR DAM!

[BIG HUGE RALLY CRY HERE]

As your West Coast Beaver in absentia, I personally have found great pride, with the gracious sponsorship of my sister beavers, Flapper LaTail and Kaferine De Nerve.

They have guided me in finding the strength to claim my GOD-GIVEN right as a beaver. Flapper LaTail has served as my sponsor and has had many a late night phone call from a certain unsteady, more-likely-than-not self-medicated — yet eager aspirational beaver.

Kaferine de Nerve has kindly made me a friend on FaceBook. I am now… after this long, confused swim to an uncertain lodge yet unbuilt… a beaver’s Shangri-La, I’ve broken through the dam wall and claimed my right to call myself A BEAVER! My brothers and sisters, you have allowed me to state my BEAVERHOOD… as my own and I am truly thankful.

But I HAVE A VISION.

I have a DREAM that beavers everywhere will unveil themselves, strip themselves of the chains and weight and mud of oppression and proudly proclaim that I AM A BEAVER, HEAR ME DAM UP YOUR RIVERS!

Young beavers joining clawed feet with older beavers; tawny beavers singing in joyous harmony with brunette beavers; beavers working alongside moles, muskrats and voles of every shade of brown and every shape of tail – from the thin and reedy to the flat and ponderous. Fresh water beavers and beavers of ALL WATER DENSITIES will come together across this great nation and proclaim: “DAM IT!” Small beavers; chronically overweight beavers with anorexic beavers, diabetic beavers, ADHD beavers, bipolar I beavers, Southern beavers, Jewish, Baptist, Catholic beavers – beavers of EVERY fur pattern despite the location of their dam or lodge. Transgendered, trans-identified, cross dressing, bisexual, queer-identified and sexually neutral beavers and beaver sex-workers HAVE RIGHTS, DAM IT!

[HUGE APPLAUSE – BOTTLE THROWING HAPPENS]

We have failed our fellow beaver in slavery at zoos worldwide!

[RIOUTOUS APPLAUSE]

We can unite together and build not a dam, but BRIDGE OF BEAVER LIBERATION!

[HUGE APPLAUSE HERE]

We are filled with your spirit and musk in Los Angeles. Even though I am not present, my nose is full of your scent. UNITE BEAVERS ACROSS THE WORLD!

A CALL TO ACTION!

Foreign beavers need our help. Second World Countries, like the United States, can help our brethren in more economically stable states, like Dubai. I call for action locally and internationally.

BEAVERS UNITE!

UNITE AND SWIM ONWARD MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS!

In exalted Beaver Spirit, I remain yours in unity,

SIGNED
Jacqueline Kennedy Beaver Onanist
DAM IT!

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