I’m beginning to pick up a theme in this year’s judge class. I guess it’s got something to do with the pageant celebrating the 40th anniversary of the Great Rock Concert In Upstate New York.

Meet Maxi Go Lightly.

I grew up on a commune playing in the sunshine, eating the food we grew, and playing music. I started a band with some of my friends. We were called Ko Ko’s Rainbow Machine of Love, and we had the grooviest jams around. We wrote songs like “Love Bug on a Rug of Flowers of Peace” and “Psychedelic Ride to Rainbow Town.” I’ve heard that you can find a killer 49-minute version of our best song “Hey, Dude, Don’t Kill My Buzz” somewhere called cyberspace. How groovy is that.

But I left the band when they decided to sell out and sign a record deal… way too corporate, man. I choose to live my life without things like telephones, expensive threads, jobs or soap dragging me down. I just live life in my van going to the best music festivals on the planet spreading peace and love. I enjoy life as it comes my way.

I heard about this Beaver Pageant up at the Stovall Flea & Crawdad Mountain Jam and it blew my mind. Beavers? Whoooooa. I can dig it. Can I crash at your pad?

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Our next judge’s bio has left me, literally, speechless. Meet Woody Van Pelt.

In the summer of 1969, through the waning hours of the Woodstock Music and Art Fair, two uninvited guests crashed the backstage area. Kitty Van Pelt, an exhausted, inebriated, incoherent and very pregnant young Arlo Guthrie groupie threw herself upon her idol, exclaimed, “You’re the daddy”, gave birth in his arms and disappeared into the crowd.

A confused Guthrie welcomed the young boy and named him for his father. Thus the world welcomed Woody Van Pelt. From a young age, Woody was confident that his birth would not be his last time on the grand stage. He knew it was his fate to be a rock’n’roller and thus devoted himself to the study of all things Rock. Woody took to the guitar and completed practically eight months of half-hearted lessons between the ages of six and fifteen. Uncomfortable with the whole music thing, Woody chose to focus on some of the more crucial aspects of the rock’n’roll lifestyle. He quickly became adept at the roll and toke, the stuff and puff, the pack and hack, and the wake and bake. At seventeen, while mastering the shroom and zoom, Woody experienced the true peacefulness of nature while becoming acquainted with his first wild beaver. It was an epic affair, which he seemed to enjoy more than the buck-toothed rodent. Woody continued his rock’n’roll explorations including the dip and trip, the sip and trip, the chop and blow, and the strap and shoot. However, it became increasingly clear to him that his true calling was his appreciation for nature. Woody would focus on the one area of the rock’n’roll lifestyle that gave him peace of mind: the pursuit of beaver.

Over the past twenty years, Woody has maintained both his rocking lifestyle and his chasing of beaver. He has observed, tracked, trapped, and tagged hundreds of the flat-tailed furry fellows. He does not believe in attempts to tame the bristly buggers, so practices a catch and release program. Woody was recently awarded a grant from the Ellerbe Creek Watershed Fund for his proposed pursuit and study of the Norwegian White Beaver and the Brazilian Bald Beaver. Woody Van Pelt: a true lover of beaver.

Woody Van Pelt and friend

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You’ve probably seen, or at least heard of, our next judge as you learn more about how things really work in our town. Doc Beaver is truly an asset to the lodge.

Doc Beaver — knows a healthy Beaver when he sees one.

Doc Beaver was born on the banks of the Potomack River, in the Chesapeake watershed. (Mom and dad Beaver made him the night Soviet Beaver Khrushchev was pounding his shoe at the United Nations on the East River.) As a young pup, Doc Beaver paddled up many rivers including the the Nile, the Yangtze, the Seine, the St Lawrence, and the Congo. Today, he lives in a wonderful pond called Old West Beaver in the Ellerbe watershed. Doc has worked with other beavers to stop the asphalt industry from building stinky asphalt plants near beaver wetlands, the DOT from building stinky Eno Loop over beaver lodges, and Devil University from building lots of stinky stores next to little local beaver shops. Next thing is to stop the billboard industry from erecting big, bright, stinky electronic billboards flashing 10,000 ads/day along the Beaver-Bull City’s busiest byways.

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Next up in our distinguished line of fully bribeable judges is waitress extraordinaire Dam Flo.

“Dam Flo is everyone’s favorite waitress at the diner. “Kiss my beaver grits!” and “When beavers fly!” are her favorite phrases. She’s all flash and brash, but with a heart of gold, and she’s loved by all. She hails from Texas, where she helps her co-workers Mel, Alice and Vera. It’s not easy being the only southern beaver at Mel’s Diner, but as you can tell by her hair, she handles the job proudly.”

Our judges honor both the Florida and Chicago voting models, so before you stuff your ballots, you’ll want to “tip” them appropriately. Just think of it as an honorarium.

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