Archive for May, 2015

Announcing the 2015 board of corruption!

Monday, May 11th, 2015


Stuff the box.  Buy a judge.  Get VIB treatment.

Stuff the box. Buy a judge. Get VIB treatment.


    Ms. Genie Tail-yah

Many years ago, in a dark, wet, and sparkly cave, a young beaver tripped on a pink bottle thus freeing the beautiful Genie Tail-yah!  Bursting forth from the narrow opening of her bottle, Genie Tail-yah fills the cave with pink smoke and whoops of delight.   “Who has freed me from my studio apartment?!” Tail-yah inquires as she stretches her arms to the sky.  A small voice, belonging to Miss Muffley Merkin, timidly responds “It was me, I’m terribly sorry…”  Tail-yah lunges at Muffley, wrapping her arms around Muffley she exclaims “My beautiful friend, I could kiss your furry face!  I’m so happy that you rubbed my bottle!  For, I am Genie Tail-yah!  By the holy spirit of beavers, I am here to grant you one wish!”  Muffley’s eyes widen with astonishment then dimmed with embarrassment.  “Can you make my tail smaller?”  Muffley asked.   Tail-yah, perplexed, cocked her head towards Muffley’s backend.  “What?  You have a lovely tail!  Why ever would you want to change it?”  Tail-yah questions.  “Sometimes beavers pick on me and call me names.”  Muffley sobs.  “Then they are the ones to be ashamed, for you and your tail and all tails are absolutely radiant!”  Tail-yah exclaims.  “I wish everyone felt that way…” sighs Muffley.  “Then so shall it be!”  Tail-yah asserted “Mecca lecca hi, mecca hiney ho! Bully beavers be no more!  All tails, of every shape and size, will be beautiful to every beaver’s eyes!  TAIL YEAH!”  Genie Tail-yah announces triumphantly and with a nod of her head, the spell is cast.  The world is instantly more accepting of all beaver bodies and generally a better and happier place.  Muffley Merkin and Genie Tail-yah dance the night away to “Genie in a Bottle” and “Beaver Got Back” and remain best friends.

    Clean Beaver


Clean Beaver is brought to you by Laundrymen.  In fact, C.B. has been helping beavers stay clean for over 10 years! C.B. was also Ethel Furman in the 2013 pageant, so he knows a thing or two about being a successful beaver. For one, never be afraid to show off your creative and flamboyant beaver. Proud beavers aren’t afraid to show off or show out! C.B. is a native of Durham and lover of all things Durham-related. Local beaver is always the best. You will often see him driving around town in his pink Lincoln Continental or zipping by on his scooter. He can easily be bribed – food, craft beer, and spontaneous neck massages are always welcome. And flattery will go a long way. Complimenting him on his facial hair, sexy calves, or sick karate moves will surely push him in your favor.C.B. is excited to be part of the 2015 pageant and is curious to see what interesting beavers will debut this year. And keep in mind that a clean beaver always gets more love!

HULK BEAVER, The Recyclinator!

Mike_Judge bio_photo

Yes, HULK is a Recycling master to be reckoned with.HULK has been known to repurpose just about anything he can get his hands on. Granite curb benches anyone? Yes, his beaver engineering skills are impressive.You’ll recognize his lodge because it’s surrounded by rain barrels and berms. He’s very stingy about letting go of his rain water. Nothing makes him madder than finding bags and bags of trash others have carelessly thrown aside, only to wash into Ellerbe Creek during the next rain storms. His mighty muscles have even carried a motor scooter up the banks of the creek.If that weren’t bizarre enough for our brawny beaver, he has a delicate side. HULK has been known to ‘gift wrap’ his garbage when on vacation and bring it home to the lodge’s waiting and hungry compost pile.HULK! The brawny beaver of the recycling world. Ya gotta love him!

    Rock Woodsman, Interesting Man


Do you hear that sound?
Yes: It’s glamour.
Meet Rock Woodsman, Interesting Man, brought to you by Mystery Brewing Many have called Rock Woodsman a man of mystery, but from his humble beginnings it’s been clear that there’s nothing mysterious about this world-renowned international playboy. Even as a boy in the remote forests of the Canadian wilderness he realized that he was, as they say, a big beaver in a small pond.  Before reaching even the tender age of 2 he had already burst the dam of his meager beginnings and unleashed his fantasticality upon the world.  Early roles as Spuds McKenzie and Mike Ditka earned him his fortune and soon he began traveling the world doing…. interesting things.As a rollerblade aficionado and inline wheel alignment expert, Rock Woodsman singlehandedly created and crashed the rollerblade industry.  Rock Woodsman once filmed America’s funniest home video, but Bob Saget did not allow it to air to maintain safety standards.  Rock Woodsman has his own Care Bear Stare.  Rock Woodsman once asked Regis Philben, “Who wants to be a millionaire?”  When Philben offered a name that person became a millionaire that very hour.   For 10 years, Rock Woodsman wore a different Swatch every single day.  Rock Woodsman has caught every Pokemon.  The character of Al Calavicci on Quantum Leap was based on Rock Woodsman.  Rock Woodsman knows where the beef is. Rock Woodsman has enjoyed cocktails atop the world’s tallest building, and saké in the red-light districts of Tokyo.  He has entertained diplomats and dignitaries.  He has clinked a glass with paupers and presidents.Recently, Rock Woodsman’s image has been procured as a marketing tool for the North Carolina craft beer industry. Now, Rock Woodsman can be found drinking interesting things locally, often for charity, where others can bask in his splendiferous mystique.  He normally keeps his tail slapping just up the creek from the Ellerbe, but enjoys every dirty minute he spends in Durham.


Queen of the Dammed



In a pond far away; perhaps even another time and/or dimension, there was another pageant. A pageant that crowns a queen; a queen of the dammed. Yes. We are happy to have the Queen of the Dammed judging for the 2015 Beaver Queen Pageant. This queen faced many challengers in different categories. She won because of her ingenious engineering and sophisticated damn designs. She built the biggest pond in all the land. Her prowess in placing rocks, sticks and mud surpassed all the other contestants. Her skills in gnawing down trees were a marvel to all who watched. With her stylish cape and awesome tail, she rules her pond with a firm, yet sensitive hand. Her prowess in building and patching her lodge are lessons for all the princesses at this year’s Beaver Queen Pageant. And her teeth, well, her teeth were, shall we say, “fang-like”; a captivating quality leading to her long reign as Queen of the Dammed.


Marilyn Monbeavroe


Brought to you by Kristie Nystedt (Raleigh Brewing).  Marilyn is a bright and shiny star of the beaver kingdom.  Gnawing her way to star dome by singing and wagging her sexy beaver tail  to the beaver dam president and  all of his wood working pals.   Marilyn has dated many a handsome beaver in her short life although currently she has a crush on Rock Woodsmen.   It is thought that she may only like him for his beer knowledge and sharp teeth.

It is known throughout the  village that aside from drinking more than her fair share of the lake she also has an affinity for a crafty ale.  Often she would fall off the wagon drinking her way through cartons and cartons of Hell Yes Ma’am.  Her lips are even seen on the logo .  On these occasions she can be seen riding the Hidden Pipe through the rapids as she became extremely brave after binging.  Rock would come to her rescue often and work his mystery on her.  Of course shortly after Rock would move on to his next beautiful  tail.


Byves Saint Laurent

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(brought to you by Seaplane Shirts)

Like the hot Sharqi winds blowing on her palms of Marrakech, Byves Saint Laurent pilots her Seaplane to the Parc de Duke, looking flawless, clipped, and tucked.

[Hand motions when read at pageant — flawless, wrist twirl in air; clipped, hand moves down cheek, tucked, take wrists from straight up to bent near crotch.]

Her Trapeze Dam, created at age 21, saved the lodge of Christian Dièvre.  Her Pantsuit brought power dressing to all the young, eager beavers of New AmsterDAM.   Indeed, Byves Saint Laurent’s Smoking is applauded in every public venue — even in Durham.  Today, thanks to, she’s pleasing beavers North American and Eurasian alike.

When you receive this riparian rodent, fresh off her amphibious aircraft, remember to receive your French tickle from her furry cheeks!

Proper form is left. right. left.  (turns to judge next to him and demonstrates).  Oh ma chérie bièvre!  Félicitations!