Archive for the ‘Contestants’ Category

The Final Contestants’ Lineup

Saturday, June 6th, 2009

Here’s the rundown on the 6 Beavers who will be vying for the coveted Beaver Queen crown this afternoon:

Beave Whisperer – a world-renowned beaver behavior specialist, known for his uncanny ability to wrangle large lodges of beavers.

Beaverella – In a universe of “Peace, Love, and Beaver,” where there is no war and therefore no weapons, I am the instrument of all: Peace, Love, and Beaver.

Bupkiss Beaver – “You are my chosen beaver. You must deliver my message, and liberate Ellerbe Creek’s beavers.”

Dirty Beaver – believes that no beaver is an island… as sometimes, it takes a village to clean a beaver.

Durga Beaver – The gods realized that all of their pitiful erections were doomed to fail without the guidance and support of the beaver. So they put their heads together again and prayed for the Queen Beaver to manifest and bless them. Their humility, intention and fervent prayer for help woke the goddess Durga from her thousand year slumber and she donned her beaver tail and descended to the dam demon infested world once again to defeat the evil forces and return the whole dam world to peace and harmony.

HRM Elizabeaver – succeeded to the throne upon the death of her sister, Queen “Bloody Beaver” Mary, and has created through her reign a time of great peace, love, and flourishing beavers. HRM Elizabeaver has come across the pond to compete in the Beaver Queen Pageant in order to continue her protection of wetlands and the promotion of the glory of beavers.

Meet the Contestants – The Beave Whisperer

Friday, May 29th, 2009

Last up in one of our most diverse fields of contestants in the pageant’s history, is the mysterious Beave Whisperer, who possesses a most interesting attribute.

Beave Whisperer is a world-renowned beaver behavior specialist, known for his uncanny ability to wrangle large lodges of beavers. Not only that but, from European Hairless Beavers to the now extinct Giant North American Beaver, these now well-behaved beavers have each been rehabilitated, rescued from a wide range of extreme behavior issues – anything from protesting gay marriage to severe ‘red voting’ aggression!

You gotta appreciate someone who has a way with so many different kinds of beaver.

Meet the Contestants – Beaverella

Friday, May 29th, 2009

With a mere eight days to go, it’s time to meet our penultimate challenger for the crown, Beaverella.

Let me take you by the tail into the future: In a universe of “Peace, Love, and Beaver,” where there is no war and therefore no weapons, I am the instrument of all: Peace, Love, and Beaver.

But there are some who would threaten this harmonious world, where the rhythms of time are as sweet and bubbly as the billowing pillowing waves of a lava lamp. When those threatening Dangerous Overlord Types (DOT) arise, I lie back to take them. Wherever danger is brewing, I am there. Wherever weapons of war are massing, I stick a flower in them. Oh yes, you bet your sweet bippy I do. No one will EVER pave paradise and put up a parking lot, for my innocence and love are more powerful than any machine or mal intent of man.

Meet the Contestants – Dirty Beaver

Thursday, May 28th, 2009

I’m not sure how up close and personal we want to get with our next contestant.

Dirty Beaver is a rescuee from the depths of Love Canal in upstate NY. Found dripping in toxic waste, she was transported here via beaver rescue barge to seek a new life as a freer, cleaner beaver. Upon arrival at Duke Park, Dirty Beaver set out to find a beaver cleaning facility . . . however due to the scarcity of drive-thru beaver washes equipped withself-scrubbers, she was forced to go to Ingles and load up on Beaver Goo
Gone and handiwipes . . . but nothing has worked out.

No one asks a dirty beaver to a dam building party that’s for sure, and she has been single for some time; I mean that B.O. (you know . . . Beaver Odor?) can be a real turnoff in a social life. Dirty Beaver is still seeking a beaver cleaning crew!
If interested, call 1-800-KleenBeev.

Dirty Beaver believes that no beaver is an island… as sometimes, it
takes a village to clean a beaver.

So far, we’ve met Durga Beaver, HRM Elizabeaver I, Bupkiss Beaver, and now Dirty Beaver.

Who else is competing?

Check back tomorrow and all next week to meet the rest of our contestants and celebrity judges, as well as our MCs and entertainers, and learn how you can cast your ballot for the People’s Choice award.