Archive for the ‘Contestants’ Category

Meet the Contestants – Bupkiss Beaver

Wednesday, May 27th, 2009

Only 10 days to the 5th Annual Beaver Queen Pageant.

That means it’s time to meet another contestant. Y’all show Bupkiss Beaver some hospitality, now:

It was a hot summer day in NYC. So hot, all I could do was go into my icebox and this hot furry beaver fell asleep. Ummm, it was so cool, as if I was swimming in a glacial stream. Aaahh. Alaska…This is the life! Look, I can see Russia from my dam! I better be careful; there’s that schlemazel governor who thinks she can be president. Oy Vey!

So this busy beaver started exploring.

I came upon a great erection, a totem to the mother beaver,

lovingly carved by many large front teeth.

A voice spoke to me. Feh, this was no dream, but a call from the great creator of wetlands herself!

Bupkiss, listen to me. Until now, your life has been bupkiss; now you have a mission. You are my chosen beaver. You must deliver my message, and liberate Ellerbe Creek’s beavers. That creek is a mess, a real shanda! No furry beaver could live with all that shmutz. The ECWA will clean up the creek, but they need the gelt. You must go to the pageant and throw a rent party for the Ellerbe Creek. Bring this package, this stimulus package, and stimulate the beavers! Bring my power to Durham. May wetlands spread over all beavers, for a wet beaver is a happy beaver.

Nu? So here I come, direct from New York, 1939, with the mother beaver’s schtick.

Looks like quite a schtick, too.

There are plenty of things to do between now and June 6th to get ready for the pageant. Beaver tail art is still on display at the Scrap Exchange, and this Saturday, the 30th, there will be an evening of comedy and cabaret, Sing One For The Beavers, at the Exchange, 548 Foster Street, at 7pm. It’s a fundraiser for Ellerbe Creek Watershed Association, so bring ten bucks if you want to catch Beaver Streisand in her only Durham appearance.

Speaking of ECWA, they’re partnering with Deep Durham Beautiful and the Scrap Exchange to do some cleanup around the beaver pond (ECWA’s newest acquisition) behind Compare Foods on Saturday afternoon. You know you want to help. Please contact Ann Woodward at The Scrap Exchange, 682-2751, email ann@scrapexchange.org, or RSVP through Keep Durham Beautiful to let them know how many pairs of gloves they’ll need.

Meet the contestants – HRM Elizabeaver I

Thursday, May 14th, 2009

Over the past 4 years, a great many beavers have vied for the title of Beaver Queen. This year, for the first time, true royalty seeks its rightful place. Meet Her Royal Majesty Elizabeaver I, Queen of Ponds and Isles, Defender of the Wetlands.

HRM Elizabeaver, first to bear that good and noble name, is the daughter of HRM Henry VIII (a man with much beaver experience) and Anne Boleyn (who found that axes are not so good for beavers). Though there has been much made about the relationship between HRM Elizabeaver and Sir Walter Wally, a groundhog very much in her favor, she always protected her wetlands and is still a virgin beaver queen. HRM Elizabeaver, also known
as “Good Queen Beav”, “Gloriana”, or the “Virgin Beaver Queen”, is also known for her rivalry with her cousin, Mary Queen of Scottish Beavers.

HRM Elizabeaver succeeded to the throne upon the death of her sister, Queen “Bloody Beaver” Mary, and has created through her reign a time of great peace, love, and flourishing beavers. HRM Elizabeaver has come across the pond to compete in the Beaver Queen Pageant in order to continue her protection of wetlands and the promotion of the glory of beavers.

Don’t forget, the official start of BQP season is tomorrow night at The Scrap Exchange, with the opening of “An Exhibition of the Finest Handcrafted Beaver Tails in the Entire Universe.

Meet the contestants – Durga Beaver

Wednesday, May 13th, 2009

Durga Beaver, like her predecessor Durga, was created when the whole dam Earth had become overrun with demons. The gods who ran the world had done everything they could think of to stabilize the world economy, society and environment. They erected barriers and fences, bombers and Humvees, bailouts and restructurings. But all of them failed to provide a firm foundation for the world. The gods were powerless against the evil forces which were running amok. So they convened a special session of all the dam leaders and acknowledged their inability to solve the problems using the same methods they’d been trying for years at the cost of billions of dollars and millions of lives.

They had thought that if they just put their heads together they would come up with something. So they tried and tried until their frustration became almost unbearable.

Suddenly at the very moment that they admitted their total inability to ease their frustration and come to a satisfying conclusion the ideal beaver entered each of their heads. They noticed for the first time that there were no beavers among all the dam gods and they saw the capacity of beavers to know exactly where and when to apply their mouths and their tails in order to achieve the smoothest flow and the firmest
structure to provide a life giving environment and a good dam time. The gods realized that all of their pitiful erections were doomed to fail without the guidance and support of the beaver.

That was the first step in their recovery.

They knew then they needed the help of a higher power. So they put their heads together again and prayed for the Queen Beaver to manifest and bless them. Their humility, intention and fervent prayer for help woke the goddess Durga from her thousand year slumber and she donned her beaver tail and descended to the dam demon infested world once again to defeat the evil forces and return the whole dam world to peace and harmony. This is the start of the Durga Beaver tale.