Archive for the ‘Meet the Judges’ Category

Meet the 2010 Judges

Friday, May 7th, 2010

The meanest, foulest, most corrupt group of judges in the Wild Wild Wetlands are on the take this year.  They can easily be bought at the Board of Corruption.  The dirty money used to buy their seat will be laundered through Ellerbe Creek Watershed Association.

Beavella de Ville (a.k.a. Pam Spaulding):  The ace reporter in the Bull City is well-known for taking beaver currency to keep the closet doors of corrupt politicians tightly shut, Bevella is not wet behind the ears when it comes to the dirty job of judging.  This bad beaver opens a mean can of Whoop Arse on critters trashing the wetlands.

Beaver Streisand (a.k.a.  Ellen Ciompi):  is known all over the world for her multiple-award-winning talents, Beaver Streisand however she is happiest when close to her ancestral wetlands home in Durham.  Legions of fans respond to the merest flap of her vocal cords and flock to her many concerts and charity appearances.  Already certain of her place in Beaver Queen history, La Beaver Diva has announced she will dedicate her next recording to ECWA–her one-woman interpretation of “Tonight” from West Side Story:  “Tonight, tonight, won’t be just any night/Tonight there’ll be a new Beaver Queen!”

Buckminster McChewbark (a.k.a Grand Poobah, a.k.a Craig Heffley): Fenestration specialist Buckminster McChewbark has lived in Durham for fifteen years now.  His first home here, on the Eno River, was crushed during Hurricane Fran by enough trees to build a small city.  He now believes the Beaver gods must truly be watching out for him when in fact, they were actually trying to kill him.  In his free time, and during his work time, he enjoys a sip of wine.

Climbilena Kleendawater (a.k.a Ellen Dagenhart):  believes that all beavers deserve to have a well-preserved lodge of their very own, with beautiful music included. When not hustling huts or supporting the arts, you’ll find this “knotty” or is it “gnawty” beaver lover climbing rocks and swinging on ropes. Climbilena can be, umm, “influenced” and is mesmerized by knots,  ropes and shiny caribiners.   For the right price she’s got some swamp land in Florida for you.

Ella B. Waters (a.k.a Joanne Abel): Since moving to Durham to chase beaver in 1974, Ella B has loved and cared for beavers and considers herself an excellent judge of the species. Her career as a reference librarian added much to her depth of knowledge and experience with the beaver. She  helped all kind of beavers find the information they needed before Google.  Her lodge is near ECWA’s Pearl Mill Nature Preserve and as a beaver, knows a good one when she see sone. She can be bribed to support your candidate or by your generous support of the Ellerbe Creek Watershed Association. Stop trashing Durham and Ellerbe Creek!

Sherriff Roscoe Bev Coltrane (a.k.a Paul Toma): started out as a hippie tree hugger from way back, and several years ago noticed an increase in clear chewing and unnecessary gnawing on perfectly healthy trees by under aged “troublemakin’ kits ”.  He has since made it his life mission  to patrol the local woods and wetlands to protect the good beavers of Durham County from the kind of varmints that participate in wasteful gnawing of precious beaver resources.  The sheriff has a zero-tolerance policy for trouble-making in the wetlands, and always finds his beaver in the end.  A law abiding man through and through, he is not one to be swayed by illegal bribes, however he always listens to the wishes of Boss Dog, an “influential” business leader in the wetlands, who some say is easily swayed by as little as one tasty treat…

Speed BeaverSpeed Beaver (a.k.a. Barry Ragin): always had to be the first to get to shore, or back to the lodge. Being the fastest beaver just came naturally. But the pond up north was too small to provide much of a challenge, and at a young age, Speed moved  to deeper water.

One thing troubled him wherever he went, though. Not having learned to read or write, he wondered about all of those signs he saw on his travels. Not so much the big flashing ones with the moving pictures. He could figure those out, even if they were so ugly they made his eyes hurt. But the smaller signs that were everywhere along the side of the road, rectangular ones with black and white markings, and those odd shaped red ones that he saw at many street corners. They seemed to be communicating messages to the other travelers he met up with, perhaps telling them how to behave while traveling. Too embarrassed to admit he couldn’t read, Speed wandered in ignorance from town to town, eventually arriving in Durham, home of the biggest pond of them all.

Speed liked it so much that he settled here, and set about finding out what the messages were on those funny signs.

What he learned surprised and delighted him, because it turned out that in Durham, the signs didn’t mean anything. Yes, in Durham, Speed was free to race as quickly as he could from creek to pond, from swamp to meadow, wherever the pursuit of beaver tail called him, never attracting unwanted attention, regardless of how fast he traveled, or how much noise he made chasing tail. What a wonderful place to live in, he thought, where everybody is free to move themselves along just as quickly as their heart desires. And over the years, as Speed grew more comfortable, and more familiar with his new home town, he got to know more and more of the beavers in the community and now, after 17 years, he’s ready to help choose the finest beaver in the pond, the 2010 Beaver Queen.  Come to find out seems like the signs down at the new lodge don’t mean anything either.