Archive for the ‘Judges 2011’ Category

The Dishonorable Judges 2011

Sunday, May 1st, 2011

Durham’s most corrupt group of judges in the wetlands are on the take this year.  They can easily be bought at the Board of Corruption.  The dirty money used to buy their seat will be laundered through Ellerbe Creek Watershed Association.  Help buy their seat on the bench at the Board of Corruption.

The Bench:

Chief Beaver Believer bought to you by Shelly Green, Durham Convention and Visitor Bureau.
Shelly Green, CEO DCVBA starry-eyed gal who rejoices in the differences represented in the community around her, Chief Beaver Believer makes her living encouraging the migration of other species to Durham (but promptly sends them home after relieving them of their money and sating them with a great cultural experience). She enjoys tipping back some branch water with a friend or two and scavenging around Durham with other omnivores to find the best grub. A fan of music, the arts and gardening at her home bordering the Eno River, she says her vote will go to the contestant with the most innovative plan to bring a little beauty into the world of Durham.

Justice Beiber bought to you by Carol Anderson, Vaguely Reminiscent is more than “vaguely reminiscent” of a loyal, progressive Durham Beaver, and not a bit like the teen heartthrob of a similar name. Independent and eager, she believes the best way to prevent erosion in and around the lodge is to make it fun (think flinging mud) and getting all the other beavers to join the party. Cutting her teeth as a progressive political activist, you can find her hanging around the election office using her extraordinary ability to influence and change her environment, as only beavers (and humans) can do. If you want this beaver’s vote, show her that you, too, believe community is the path to civilized society and that together we can create the best habitat in which to live. .

Mr. Sweet Meat bought to you by Brian Bottger, Only Burger. has the only meat beavers will eat. Mr Sweet Meat is known across the country for having the ONLY meat a beaver will eat. He gained this reputation by taking his truck around the state and gaining fans far and wide. Mr. Meat ONLY uses fresh ingredients in his meat and has been actively involved in making sure Beavers and all critters eat well. It’s not easy to entice a Beaver to eat meat; they usually ONLY eat hardwood but with the techniques taught to them by Mr. Sweet Meat, they have learned how to chomp down on a nice piece of meat and to enjoy it! Mr. Meat says, “Give me a beaver and one bite of my sweet meat will have them begging for more!”

Casbeav bought to you by Jana  Bradley, Casbah.  Casbeav is a mystical, magical beaver from the Ancient Orient, who – if found – will grant three wishes (if you rub her tail right). Usually found reveling at her local oasis.  Loves shiny things and pretty songs and is easily swayed by both.

Miss Beaverly Lodge bought to you by Jennings Brody, Parker & Otis, is well-known for her uber-cool, jazzed-up, laid-back, breezy lodge where all the attuned beavers in Durham like to hang and be seen. Industrious and eager, Miss BL makes a tasty and toothsome pimiento cheese sandwich which has earned acclaim from herbivores and journalists alike. When she is not out foraging for fresh local ingredients to tide her through the long winter, Miss BL can be found burrowing her way through the candy aisle and specialty brews, arranged in perfectly beaver engineered displays

Charles Gnawson Reilly bought to you by Sean Wilson, Fullsteam Brewery
Campier than a beaver compound, Charles Gnawson Reilly leads a large life…even bigger than his trademark glasses. He may be best known for his appearances on the popular TV game show “Gnawleywood Squares.”  He’s a friend to all beavers, but he hasn’t touched one since high school. And while many may think Charles Gnawson Reilly wakes up at the break of dawn with a scotch on the rocks-sure aging in an oak barrel is a beaver’s dream-he’s actually a craft beer kind of guy.