Posts Tagged ‘board of corruption’

Meet the 2012 Board of Corruption Judges

Saturday, May 26th, 2012

Amy Eller
The Honorable Bumble Beever, bought to you by Amy Eller, Whole Foods Market Durham, is a beever who is passionate about pollination. You should see what she can do in a corn field! She’s spreading the message of love from her organic wetlands ranch here in Durham where she’s making sweet honey for her family, wild-harvesting exotic wood in an eco-friendly way, and swimming in harmony in a free-range eco system that is sustainable, loving and accepting of any and all wetland life. To really get Bumble Beever buzzing, just compliment her cooking, introduce her to a delicate flower ripe for pollination, or offer a loving helping hand to your neighbor and spread honey wherever you might fly.

Cherry Cherry Bang-Bang
Cherry Cherry Bang Bang DaBeava, bought to you by Vaguely Reminiscent comes to us from downstream. You may recognize her as last year’s People’s Choice winner when she revealed she is a girl with a little . . . something extra. Sweet pies are her specialty and her secret ingredient is twig and berries. You may see her around town (like she is today) traveling with her talented and elaborate friends Fischenta and Brother Morning wood and the Cherry Pops. Although she spent a few years as a fortune teller in the Good Wood traveling show, she remains mum on the subject of predicting this year’s winner. A girls gotta have her secrets.

Courtney James
Miss Beaver Dam Realty bought to you by Urban Durham Realty is a busy beaver who spends her time making sure that rodents of all shapes and sizes have a place to rest their heads at night. You’ll find it difficult sometimes to rein her in when she’s in her lodge-staging mode. Before you know it, she’ll have your beaver bungalow ready for HGTV. She is happily rooted in Durham with her husband and three kits. To her, selling Durham is like selling bark to a beaver. This eager beaver lives and breathes the Durham spirit and is looking for like-minded passion from the contestants.

Sean Lilly Wilson
Woot the Mullet, bought to you by Fullsteam Brewery, is the co-host of “Woot and The Beav’s Mornin’ Jam” on WORT-FM. He’s a wild and crazy guy – just ask him! Woot has interviewed celebrities worldwide: John Tesh, Michael Bolton and Cherie, one of the Triangle’s hottest Cher impersonators. He has memorized four jokes about beavers. And he doesn’t give a “dam” about honey badgers! When Woot’s not on the air, he’s probably busy cruisin’ in his Pontiac Fiero or rollerblading…or both! At the same time! One of these sentences is not true! Woot!

John Dalpe
Inky Dinky is bought to you by John Dalpe, Ink Waves Inc. Inky Dinky is a newer addition to the Durham Business Lodge. He loves to see friendly beavers enjoying themselves drinking locally made beverages of barley and hops especially when they are simultaneously burning tobacco in the shape of a log or letting it smolder in a pipe. He wrote this poem to assist you in your 2012 campaign for the Beaver Queen.

Listen my friends, and while you think
Read the signs that are printed with ink
Wave your hand and slap your tails
Fill the wetlands with water from pails

Many a beaver has tried and fallen
Hoping I’d like them, then left ballin’
It’s simple to me, and so you’ll see
My vote for beer, it’s the easiest fee

Michael Goodmon
The Great Beav-bino bought to you by Michael Goodmon. Whether he’s rounding the bases at American Tobacco or Hitting it over the fence in Dam-ond View III, The Great Beav-bino and his team are playing for their Beaver Community. Off season, the Great Beav-bino enjoys taking in a show or two downtown and cheering on the Beav Devils.

Lee Ann Tilley
Korky Flapper bought to you by Acme Plumbing is your first defense in wetland hygiene. Sometimes the only thing between you and a dirty wetland is korky’s rubber parts. Korky has quite a few rubber options to do the job. There’s the classic and universal for you old school types. But Korky’s G-Max ensures Miss Hygeniality doesn’t issue you a citation.

Board of Corruption

Tuesday, May 31st, 2011

Stuff the box. Buy a judge. Get VIB treatment.

Judge Matrix

Monday, May 24th, 2010
The Tail Does Matter
On June 5, 2010 there will be many beautiful tails in the meadow.  The tails are to be admired, revered, noticed.  Only touch a tail if asked and given permission; otherwise you may receive a tail slap.

Beaverella-Future Tail

not really judging–just observing & scoring

Seven corrupt Durham celebrity judges will score the contestants on the quality of their tail, wetland ready wear, talent and evening wear/stage presence.  Please feel free to help pay for a judge’s seat on the bench at the Board of Corruption.  The contestants will be given a question in which they must answer and they may or may not include World Peace in the response.
The wetland ready wear and tail segments will be combined on the matix this year.  The beaver tails worn by contestants represent the inner beaver they have embraced.  The audience is highly encouraged to wear their own iconic tail.

Meet the 2010 Judges

Friday, May 7th, 2010

The meanest, foulest, most corrupt group of judges in the Wild Wild Wetlands are on the take this year.  They can easily be bought at the Board of Corruption.  The dirty money used to buy their seat will be laundered through Ellerbe Creek Watershed Association.


Beavella de Ville (a.k.a. Pam Spaulding):  The ace reporter in the Bull City is well-known for taking beaver currency to keep the closet doors of corrupt politicians tightly shut, Bevella is not wet behind the ears when it comes to the dirty job of judging.  This bad beaver opens a mean can of Whoop Arse on critters trashing the wetlands.

Beaver Streisand (a.k.a.  Ellen Ciompi):  is known all over the world for her multiple-award-winning talents, Beaver Streisand however she is happiest when close to her ancestral wetlands home in Durham.  Legions of fans respond to the merest flap of her vocal cords and flock to her many concerts and charity appearances.  Already certain of her place in Beaver Queen history, La Beaver Diva has announced she will dedicate her next recording to ECWA–her one-woman interpretation of “Tonight” from West Side Story:  “Tonight, tonight, won’t be just any night/Tonight there’ll be a new Beaver Queen!”

Buckminster McChewbark (a.k.a Grand Poobah, a.k.a Craig Heffley): Fenestration specialist Buckminster McChewbark has lived in Durham for fifteen years now.  His first home here, on the Eno River, was crushed during Hurricane Fran by enough trees to build a small city.  He now believes the Beaver gods must truly be watching out for him when in fact, they were actually trying to kill him.  In his free time, and during his work time, he enjoys a sip of wine.

Climbilena Kleendawater (a.k.a Ellen Dagenhart):  believes that all beavers deserve to have a well-preserved lodge of their very own, with beautiful music included. When not hustling huts or supporting the arts, you’ll find this “knotty” or is it “gnawty” beaver lover climbing rocks and swinging on ropes. Climbilena can be, umm, “influenced” and is mesmerized by knots,  ropes and shiny caribiners.   For the right price she’s got some swamp land in Florida for you.

Ella B. Waters (a.k.a Joanne Abel): Since moving to Durham to chase beaver in 1974, Ella B has loved and cared for beavers and considers herself an excellent judge of the species. Her career as a reference librarian added much to her depth of knowledge and experience with the beaver. She  helped all kind of beavers find the information they needed before Google.  Her lodge is near ECWA’s Pearl Mill Nature Preserve and as a beaver, knows a good one when she see sone. She can be bribed to support your candidate or by your generous support of the Ellerbe Creek Watershed Association. Stop trashing Durham and Ellerbe Creek!

Sherriff Roscoe Bev Coltrane (a.k.a Paul Toma): started out as a hippie tree hugger from way back, and several years ago noticed an increase in clear chewing and unnecessary gnawing on perfectly healthy trees by under aged “troublemakin’ kits ”.  He has since made it his life mission  to patrol the local woods and wetlands to protect the good beavers of Durham County from the kind of varmints that participate in wasteful gnawing of precious beaver resources.  The sheriff has a zero-tolerance policy for trouble-making in the wetlands, and always finds his beaver in the end.  A law abiding man through and through, he is not one to be swayed by illegal bribes, however he always listens to the wishes of Boss Dog, an “influential” business leader in the wetlands, who some say is easily swayed by as little as one tasty treat…

Speed BeaverSpeed Beaver (a.k.a. Barry Ragin): always had to be the first to get to shore, or back to the lodge. Being the fastest beaver just came naturally. But the pond up north was too small to provide much of a challenge, and at a young age, Speed moved  to deeper water.

One thing troubled him wherever he went, though. Not having learned to read or write, he wondered about all of those signs he saw on his travels. Not so much the big flashing ones with the moving pictures. He could figure those out, even if they were so ugly they made his eyes hurt. But the smaller signs that were everywhere along the side of the road, rectangular ones with black and white markings, and those odd shaped red ones that he saw at many street corners. They seemed to be communicating messages to the other travelers he met up with, perhaps telling them how to behave while traveling. Too embarrassed to admit he couldn’t read, Speed wandered in ignorance from town to town, eventually arriving in Durham, home of the biggest pond of them all.

Speed liked it so much that he settled here, and set about finding out what the messages were on those funny signs.

What he learned surprised and delighted him, because it turned out that in Durham, the signs didn’t mean anything. Yes, in Durham, Speed was free to race as quickly as he could from creek to pond, from swamp to meadow, wherever the pursuit of beaver tail called him, never attracting unwanted attention, regardless of how fast he traveled, or how much noise he made chasing tail. What a wonderful place to live in, he thought, where everybody is free to move themselves along just as quickly as their heart desires. And over the years, as Speed grew more comfortable, and more familiar with his new home town, he got to know more and more of the beavers in the community and now, after 17 years, he’s ready to help choose the finest beaver in the pond, the 2010 Beaver Queen.  Come to find out seems like the signs down at the new lodge don’t mean anything either.