START YOUR BEAVERS
Posts Tagged ‘Judges’
Press Release
Friday, May 6th, 2011The Dishonorable Judges 2011
Sunday, May 1st, 2011Durham’s most corrupt group of judges in the wetlands are on the take this year. They can easily be bought at the Board of Corruption. The dirty money used to buy their seat will be laundered through Ellerbe Creek Watershed Association. Help buy their seat on the bench at the Board of Corruption.
The Bench:
Chief Beaver Believer bought to you by Shelly Green, Durham Convention and Visitor Bureau.
A starry-eyed gal who rejoices in the differences represented in the community around her, Chief Beaver Believer makes her living encouraging the migration of other species to Durham (but promptly sends them home after relieving them of their money and sating them with a great cultural experience). She enjoys tipping back some branch water with a friend or two and scavenging around Durham with other omnivores to find the best grub. A fan of music, the arts and gardening at her home bordering the Eno River, she says her vote will go to the contestant with the most innovative plan to bring a little beauty into the world of Durham.
Justice Beiber bought to you by Carol Anderson, Vaguely Reminiscent is more than “vaguely reminiscent” of a loyal, progressive Durham Beaver, and not a bit like the teen heartthrob of a similar name. Independent and eager, she believes the best way to prevent erosion in and around the lodge is to make it fun (think flinging mud) and getting all the other beavers to join the party. Cutting her teeth as a progressive political activist, you can find her hanging around the election office using her extraordinary ability to influence and change her environment, as only beavers (and humans) can do. If you want this beaver’s vote, show her that you, too, believe community is the path to civilized society and that together we can create the best habitat in which to live. .
Mr. Sweet Meat bought to you by Brian Bottger, Only Burger. has the only meat beavers will eat. Mr Sweet Meat is known across the country for having the ONLY meat a beaver will eat. He gained this reputation by taking his truck around the state and gaining fans far and wide. Mr. Meat ONLY uses fresh ingredients in his meat and has been actively involved in making sure Beavers and all critters eat well. It’s not easy to entice a Beaver to eat meat; they usually ONLY eat hardwood but with the techniques taught to them by Mr. Sweet Meat, they have learned how to chomp down on a nice piece of meat and to enjoy it! Mr. Meat says, “Give me a beaver and one bite of my sweet meat will have them begging for more!”
Casbeav bought to you by Jana Bradley, Casbah. Casbeav is a mystical, magical beaver from the Ancient Orient, who – if found – will grant three wishes (if you rub her tail right). Usually found reveling at her local oasis. Loves shiny things and pretty songs and is easily swayed by both.
Miss Beaverly Lodge bought to you by Jennings Brody, Parker & Otis, is well-known for her uber-cool, jazzed-up, laid-back, breezy lodge where all the attuned beavers in Durham like to hang and be seen. Industrious and eager, Miss BL makes a tasty and toothsome pimiento cheese sandwich which has earned acclaim from herbivores and journalists alike. When she is not out foraging for fresh local ingredients to tide her through the long winter, Miss BL can be found burrowing her way through the candy aisle and specialty brews, arranged in perfectly beaver engineered displays
Charles Gnawson Reilly bought to you by Sean Wilson, Fullsteam Brewery. 
Campier than a beaver compound, Charles Gnawson Reilly leads a large life…even bigger than his trademark glasses. He may be best known for his appearances on the popular TV game show “Gnawleywood Squares.” He’s a friend to all beavers, but he hasn’t touched one since high school. And while many may think Charles Gnawson Reilly wakes up at the break of dawn with a scotch on the rocks-sure aging in an oak barrel is a beaver’s dream-he’s actually a craft beer kind of guy.
Judge Matrix
Monday, May 24th, 2010The Tail Does Matter
On June 5, 2010 there will be many beautiful tails in the meadow. The tails are to be admired, revered, noticed. Only touch a tail if asked and given permission; otherwise you may receive a tail slap.
On June 5, 2010 there will be many beautiful tails in the meadow. The tails are to be admired, revered, noticed. Only touch a tail if asked and given permission; otherwise you may receive a tail slap.
Beaverella-Future Tail
- not really judging–just observing & scoring
Seven corrupt Durham celebrity judges will score the contestants on the quality of their tail, wetland ready wear, talent and evening wear/stage presence. Please feel free to help pay for a judge’s seat on the bench at the Board of Corruption. The contestants will be given a question in which they must answer and they may or may not include World Peace in the response.
The wetland ready wear and tail segments will be combined on the matix this year. The beaver tails worn by contestants represent the inner beaver they have embraced. The audience is highly encouraged to wear their own iconic tail.
Meet the 2010 Judges
Friday, May 7th, 2010The meanest, foulest, most corrupt group of judges in the Wild Wild Wetlands are on the take this year. They can easily be bought at the Board of Corruption. The dirty money used to buy their seat will be laundered through Ellerbe Creek Watershed Association.
Beavella de Ville (a.k.a. Pam Spaulding): The ace reporter in the Bull City is well-known for taking beaver currency to keep the closet doors of corrupt politicians tightly shut, Bevella is not wet behind the ears when it comes to the dirty job of judging. This bad beaver opens a mean can of Whoop Arse on critters trashing the wetlands.
Beaver Streisand (a.k.a. Ellen Ciompi): is known all over the world for her multiple-award-winning talents, Beaver Streisand however she is happiest when close to her ancestral wetlands home in Durham. Legions of fans respond to the merest flap of her vocal cords and flock to her many concerts and charity appearances. Already certain of her place in Beaver Queen history, La Beaver Diva has announced she will dedicate her next recording to ECWA–her one-woman interpretation of “Tonight” from West Side Story: “Tonight, tonight, won’t be just any night/Tonight there’ll be a new Beaver Queen!”
Buckminster McChewbark (a.k.a Grand Poobah, a.k.a Craig Heffley): Fenestration specialist Buckminster McChewbark has lived in Durham for fifteen years now. His first home here, on the Eno River, was crushed during Hurricane Fran by enough trees to build a small city. He now believes the Beaver gods must truly be watching out for him when in fact, they were actually trying to kill him. In his free time, and during his work time, he enjoys a sip of wine.
Climbilena Kleendawater (a.k.a Ellen Dagenhart): believes that all beavers deserve to have a well-preserved lodge of their very own, with beautiful music included. When not hustling huts or supporting the arts, you’ll find this “knotty” or is it “gnawty” beaver lover climbing rocks and swinging on ropes. Climbilena can be, umm, “influenced” and is mesmerized by knots, ropes and shiny caribiners. For the right price she’s got some swamp land in Florida for you.
Ella B. Waters (a.k.a Joanne Abel): Since moving to Durham to chase beaver in 1974, Ella B has loved and cared for beavers and considers herself an excellent judge of the species. Her career as a reference librarian added much to her depth of knowledge and experience with the beaver. She helped all kind of beavers find the information they needed before Google. Her lodge is near ECWA’s Pearl Mill Nature Preserve and as a beaver, knows a good one when she see sone. She can be bribed to support your candidate or by your generous support of the Ellerbe Creek Watershed Association. Stop trashing Durham and Ellerbe Creek!
Sherriff Roscoe Bev Coltrane (a.k.a Paul Toma): started out as a hippie tree hugger from way back, and several years ago noticed an increase in clear chewing and unnecessary gnawing on perfectly healthy trees by under aged “troublemakin’ kits ”. He has since made it his life mission to patrol the local woods and wetlands to protect the good beavers of Durham County from the kind of varmints that participate in wasteful gnawing of precious beaver resources. The sheriff has a zero-tolerance policy for trouble-making in the wetlands, and always finds his beaver in the end. A law abiding man through and through, he is not one to be swayed by illegal bribes, however he always listens to the wishes of Boss Dog, an “influential” business leader in the wetlands, who some say is easily swayed by as little as one tasty treat…
Speed Beaver (a.k.a. Barry Ragin): always had to be the first to get to shore, or back to the lodge. Being the fastest beaver just came naturally. But the pond up north was too small to provide much of a challenge, and at a young age, Speed moved to deeper water.
One thing troubled him wherever he went, though. Not having learned to read or write, he wondered about all of those signs he saw on his travels. Not so much the big flashing ones with the moving pictures. He could figure those out, even if they were so ugly they made his eyes hurt. But the smaller signs that were everywhere along the side of the road, rectangular ones with black and white markings, and those odd shaped red ones that he saw at many street corners. They seemed to be communicating messages to the other travelers he met up with, perhaps telling them how to behave while traveling. Too embarrassed to admit he couldn’t read, Speed wandered in ignorance from town to town, eventually arriving in Durham, home of the biggest pond of them all.
Speed liked it so much that he settled here, and set about finding out what the messages were on those funny signs.
What he learned surprised and delighted him, because it turned out that in Durham, the signs didn’t mean anything. Yes, in Durham, Speed was free to race as quickly as he could from creek to pond, from swamp to meadow, wherever the pursuit of beaver tail called him, never attracting unwanted attention, regardless of how fast he traveled, or how much noise he made chasing tail. What a wonderful place to live in, he thought, where everybody is free to move themselves along just as quickly as their heart desires. And over the years, as Speed grew more comfortable, and more familiar with his new home town, he got to know more and more of the beavers in the community and now, after 17 years, he’s ready to help choose the finest beaver in the pond, the 2010 Beaver Queen. Come to find out seems like the signs down at the new lodge don’t mean anything either.
