On the day of the pageant, I received this letter from a beaver buddy in L.A., who seeks to spread the joy of beaverdom to the lands south of Oxnard, where beavers must travel all the way to Duh Moines to get married:

My Beloved Fellow Beavers,

It is with great sadness that I cannot attend what would have been my first Beaver Pageant. My sadness is mitigated, however, with joyful news.

The musk that sustains us has been emitted, sprayed — nay, lathered, upon many aspirants on the West Coast. Your voice has been heard, and borne (sometimes without warning) 2,500 miles away. I celebrate joining them with you, if only by proxy. There are a lot of hot beavers in LA.

While I pine to approach you in person, I can report that I have personally taught the Beaver Way to several young beavers in West Hollywood who now understand our cause, even if they denied it at the time. They are now an addition to our community, spreading Beaverness, among other things, throughout Southern California. They are actively preaching our Good Word on elementary school campuses, houses of ill repute, The Senate, locker rooms and airport bathrooms throughout southern California.

BE PROUD BEAVERS!

At this time of two unfortunate wars, I am prideful that we have several followers who serve valiantly in our Beaver Armed Forces, specifically to some Very Hawt Beavers at Camp Pendleton who can BE a beaver, but who cannot TELL their righteous, personal beaver stories. But they did to this Beaver.

Text me.

The good news, my friends, is that they have my cell phone number and we regularly discuss the Dao of the Beaver.

Your diligence is spreading my Beaver friends. For that you should rightfully rejoice!

We are broadcasting our message across this great land much like a forceful pheromone finds its way through a beaver lodge or the scent of poppers through the ducts of a gay bathhouse. We ARE EVERYWHERE, MY FRIENDS!

We have stretched, like a vast beaver colony – spanning thousands of miles; crossing rivers, ponds and backyard pools abandoned by foreclosed homeowners. Together we shall beat our tails as one as a resounding drum hammer of antagonism to our oppression! In multiple time zones we will shout “BEAVER PRIDE!”

[APPLAUSE HERE]

WE ARE BEAVERS, WE’RE HERE, GET OVER – OUR DAM!

[BIG HUGE RALLY CRY HERE]

As your West Coast Beaver in absentia, I personally have found great pride, with the gracious sponsorship of my sister beavers, Flapper LaTail and Kaferine De Nerve.

They have guided me in finding the strength to claim my GOD-GIVEN right as a beaver. Flapper LaTail has served as my sponsor and has had many a late night phone call from a certain unsteady, more-likely-than-not self-medicated — yet eager aspirational beaver.

Kaferine de Nerve has kindly made me a friend on FaceBook. I am now… after this long, confused swim to an uncertain lodge yet unbuilt… a beaver’s Shangri-La, I’ve broken through the dam wall and claimed my right to call myself A BEAVER! My brothers and sisters, you have allowed me to state my BEAVERHOOD… as my own and I am truly thankful.

But I HAVE A VISION.

I have a DREAM that beavers everywhere will unveil themselves, strip themselves of the chains and weight and mud of oppression and proudly proclaim that I AM A BEAVER, HEAR ME DAM UP YOUR RIVERS!

Young beavers joining clawed feet with older beavers; tawny beavers singing in joyous harmony with brunette beavers; beavers working alongside moles, muskrats and voles of every shade of brown and every shape of tail – from the thin and reedy to the flat and ponderous. Fresh water beavers and beavers of ALL WATER DENSITIES will come together across this great nation and proclaim: “DAM IT!” Small beavers; chronically overweight beavers with anorexic beavers, diabetic beavers, ADHD beavers, bipolar I beavers, Southern beavers, Jewish, Baptist, Catholic beavers – beavers of EVERY fur pattern despite the location of their dam or lodge. Transgendered, trans-identified, cross dressing, bisexual, queer-identified and sexually neutral beavers and beaver sex-workers HAVE RIGHTS, DAM IT!

[HUGE APPLAUSE – BOTTLE THROWING HAPPENS]

We have failed our fellow beaver in slavery at zoos worldwide!

[RIOUTOUS APPLAUSE]

We can unite together and build not a dam, but BRIDGE OF BEAVER LIBERATION!

[HUGE APPLAUSE HERE]

We are filled with your spirit and musk in Los Angeles. Even though I am not present, my nose is full of your scent. UNITE BEAVERS ACROSS THE WORLD!

A CALL TO ACTION!

Foreign beavers need our help. Second World Countries, like the United States, can help our brethren in more economically stable states, like Dubai. I call for action locally and internationally.

BEAVERS UNITE!

UNITE AND SWIM ONWARD MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS!

In exalted Beaver Spirit, I remain yours in unity,

SIGNED
Jacqueline Kennedy Beaver Onanist
DAM IT!

Well, today’s the big day. Here’s the complete lineup of judges for this year’s pageant:

Woody L. Ocavore – In the spirit of Woodstick, Woody wants beavers to believe in their fellow kind, and work through cooperative principles to make sure that all have access to the finest local wood and the healthiest local brush.

Dam Flo – She’s all flash and brash, but with a heart of gold, and she’s loved by all.

Maxi Go-Lightly – I choose to live my life without things like telephones, expensive threads, jobs or soap dragging me down. I just live life in my van going to the best music festivals on the planet spreading peace and love.

2 Beaver Knotubeve – 2 Beave (as he is known to his lodge posse) was born in Buffalo, New York back in the before-time when the beaver nation could speak. He learned the language of the Upright People and got his first job in commercial radio at the age of 19 (430 in beaver years).

Doc Beaver – Doc has worked with other beavers to stop the asphalt industry from building stinky asphalt plants near beaver wetlands, the DOT from building stinky Eno Loop over beaver lodges, and Devil University from building lots of stinky stores next to little local beaver shops.

Woody Van Pelt – Over the past twenty years, Woody has maintained both his rocking lifestyle and his chasing of beaver. He has observed, tracked, trapped, and tagged hundreds of the flat-tailed furry fellows. He does not believe in attempts to tame the bristly buggers, so practices a catch and release program.

Beav Perdue – Since being elected as the first Beaver governor in N.C., she has been hard at work on the Beaver Stimulus Package, a two-pronged effort to rescue beaverdom from those forces that seek to crush us under the wheel of “progress”.

Rounding out our distinguished panel of judges is that most well known and powerful of mammals, Beav Perdue.

When Beav Perdue took office in January, she was shocked to discover what a sorry state our N.C beavers are in after years of Republican neglect. “Heck, seems like a Republican wouldn’t know what to do with a beaver if one walked up and slapped him in the face with her tail”, said the newly whetted Beav.

Since being elected as the first Beaver governor in N.C., she has been hard at work on the Beaver Stimulus Package, a two-pronged effort to rescue beaverdom from those forces that seek to crush us under the wheel of “progress”.

Said Beav in a recent interview: “First, we are launching our “Build a Better Beaver” program aimed at giving beavers the state funding needed to rebuild their wetlands. Just as important, however, is this administration’s belief that state help is meaningless without personal responsibility. So under the Batteries Not Included program, we’ll partner healthy beavers with those who need better beaverly life skill development to care for their own wetlands far into the future.”

Beav is thrilled to participate with this fine panel of judges to crown the new Beaver Queen. She is one eager Beaver and looking forward to meeting her Beaver brethren and sistren: “When I was a kit in New Bern, I always heard tell about the diversity and eclectic nature of the Durham Beavers. Durham and its ‘Beavers Taking Care of Beavers’ mind-set is what I want to bring to the rest of our great state!”